Sorry, but there's something spiritual about this text: it's impossible to talk about love without talking about something bigger than yourself.
The other day, while I was talking with a friend about our romantic experiences, I realized that we were saying things to each other like, “You deserve much more than that,” or “I deserve someone who…” and what I’m going to say next is going to sound too far-fetched, but I want to write it down because I think it’s worth reflecting on and because, whether we like it or not, language and the way we use it determines us.
So, from now on, when you think, "Oh! But don't take that so literally," let that thought pass and keep reading. We're going to analyze it literally because your mind doesn't understand the difference.
To merit, according to the Royal Academy, is to be "worthy of a reward or punishment." It comes from the Latin merescĕre (to be worthy of a reward). The verb is merere (to earn, to deserve) and the verbal suffix -scere indicates a process of the preceding verb ( merere ).
That I deserve X or Y means that that X or Y is a prize. A PRIZE. A prize that I earn for being pretty, smart, successful, loving, etc., etc.; whatever the conditions are that our friends see in us and that we see in ourselves when we say “I deserve much more than this person.”
Now, I know that when we say that, we might mean that that person deserves to be happy and loved, I suppose. When I repeat that to myself, I say it as if to say: I'm a great girl who deserves to love and feel loved, and that's very nice, but in my opinion, there's something fishy about it.
First and foremost: being loved and loving someone IS NOT AND SHOULD NOT BE A REWARD. First and foremost, because it's not something you give and take away.
Love is who we are in our purest essence. Love is not a prize, like some kind of Olympic medal you win for doing something remarkable. Love cannot be something deserved because it cannot be conditioned on any merit.
When you decide whether or not to be with someone, what you're really deciding is whether or not to give them your time and attention, not your love. You can't control whether or not you love someone; the only thing you can control is whether you give them space in the here and now with your body and/or mind.
Now, I know we're too ingrained in our existence with meritocracy and with capitalist, paternalistic, and sexist beliefs about the way life and relationships should be: men are under the pressure of having to be the ultimate protectors, the ones who care for and provide emotional and financial stability, and they go through life hearing concepts like "sexual performance"; and the older women, well, we do run around trying to be everything we have to be in every aspect of life to be "worthy" of love—and equal rights, as if the former weren't enough.
*I know that no one has to be anything, but I'm talking about the beliefs that we already have inside us and that are hard to unlearn*
It's hardly understandable that throughout human history we've used the concept of love as bait to get what we wanted, but it's time to get rid of the idea that it's just bait.
Second: even though we are referring to someone's time and attention—and not their love—when we say "we deserve better," we are still referring to our existence in another person's life as a reward and with a meritocratic sense that I don't think should be the case.
Maybe people don't agree on the way we see life. Maybe someone can't meet your emotional needs, or maybe you haven't been able to express them. Maybe you're the one who can't meet or understand them. Maybe someone is abusive—because they don't know how or can't do any better—and you won't accept that for your life. It's okay, people may not agree on sharing our time and attention for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean that someone won or didn't win a prize by being with you, or that someone deserves or doesn't deserve you.
They simply do not match as human beings in equal importance.
There are already enough hierarchical ideas in our humanity that generate infinite pain, so we should perpetuate in our relationships this one that is so unloving.
People don't deserve each other: we just agree or we don't agree. That sounds more loving.
